I started a Bible Study called "Jonah. Life Interrupted". God asked Jonah to go to Nineveh and Jonah ran from God. (That's the abridged version, lol). Of course we are asked what we think our Nineveh is. I struggle with this. It usually takes me the entire study to figure out what is keeping me from God and obedience.
Yesterday, I was praying and two things came to mind: Season and Go Quiet. Hmm. I read my Jonah and then logged on to email. I receive the Girlfriends in God and Proverbs 31 Ministries devotion for the day. I usually delete the Girlfriends in God because I can't see the title. The Proverbs 31 Ministries will give me a title and I decide if I want to read it or delete it. Yesterday, I deleted about 5 emails and read the Girlfriends in God.
From my journal. The email read:
"Waiting in silence for God to show up".
My soul, wait thou in silence for God only; for my expectation is from Him." Psalm 62:5
There was another line that said "season of silence". Funny I thought. I had just wrote in my journal and here these words are again.
Last night I realized that in the last ten days I have been looking back. A year ago, where were we in our marriage? I've been thinking about old friendships over the last fifteen years. I have been thinking about my co-teacher and classroom last year. And I have been thinking about my Bible Study friends.
Then something happened that kind of jolted me out of my slumber and made me realize that God is telling me to keep moving forward.
I was able to attend the evening bible study because of the Jewish holiday. Curtis meets with the doctors on Thursdays so I have Daniel while Amanda is at dance. I would not put Daniel through babysitting at the church so we drop Amanda off and go home.
I was thinking how disappointed I would be because I would miss this study, when the opportunity to go to the Wednesday morning class arose. As long as we have enough staff, I clock out, go to Bible Study and then clock back in. I am gone about 90 minutes.
But I longed to join the evening group. There are ladies in that class that I don't see during the week. That was our only time together because they do not go to Living HOPE. My heart was looking back at last year.
Anyway...I left Curtis and Daniel at home and took Amanda early to dance. I was able to get there just on time. However, the minute I arrived, I felt that I was not to be there. Can't explain it in words, really. Just a feeling.
Then again, I felt "unwelcome" (my feelings not anything I can explain!). As I drove to dance class, I prayed and cried out to the LORD. And He said, "stop looking back". When Amanda got in to the car, she was complaining about how class was different this year. Her partner is no longer there. There are only three of them from the original class that started eight years ago...complain, complain, complain.
I told her my story. I said that if I was "welcomed" (now I was but my heart felt otherwise)I would try to kill myself to get there on Thursdays. I would be angry that Daddy always has a meeting on the same nights as MY bible study. And I would be resentful towards Daniel because I would be "stuck" with him. But God has another plan for that time. I will have one-on-one time with Daniel. Or I will spend it with Daddy and Daniel. Or I might just sit in the parking lot in the car for the 90 minutes and pray.
God in His sovereignty knows my heart. He has confirmed this over the last ten days with my longing for the way "things" were. They are in the past. They are memories. KEEP MOVING FORWARD and set my eyes on Him!