May 14th was the last time I blogged. This is such a stressful time of the year for me. Did I mention that before? Anyway...these are my three days to sleep in. I have been up before six each day. As I went to bed last night, I was thinking about my Breaking Free class wrapping up, and everything else for the summer. School is wrapping up. Dance is wrapping up. Little League is wrapping up. My job is wrapping up. Relay is approaching. I booked the excursions for Alaska (which took over an hour). I am just tired!
I laid in bed yesterday around 1:30 ready to have a melt-down. I thought, maybe I should call someone. But I couldn't. I started praying "be still and know that I am God. and "for my burden is light and my yoke is perfect." I cried a little. I was frustrated at my family and trying not to let it show. I put the pillow over my head and continued to pray.
I have been in the pit but why? With what? I heard one of the Bible study ladies talk about being a "fixer and people-pleaser". It just clicked. My friend said that being a people-pleaser doesn't have to be a negative thing. I really have been thinking about that statement. I have been asking God to search my heart. This is what the Holy Spirit has taught me in the last two days:
Someone will share a struggle with me. I will naturally want to help and "fix" the problem. I will give a solution, what works for me. Then the person chooses not to take my advise. They continue to do it their way. They continue to struggle. They continue to complain. Then I get frustrated.
I gave them an example. I gave them Jesus.
I offered them help. I offered them Jesus.
There is a better way then their way. Jesus is the way.
Why won't they listen? It's not your voice they need to hear.
Why won't they change? It's not you who can change them, but I.
If everything ran smoothly in life, there would have never been a need for The Cross. An example of that would be my Apples. On Friday, we had twelve compliant three/four year olds. They played so nicely. I was reading to one of them while watching my co-teacher play rubber stamps with others. I thought, man this is almost BORING. Then I thought, no this is peaceful. This is what PEACE feels like but no one ever feels it because we are running crazy ALL THE TIME. I shared that with her, of course. About an hour later, two little girls had a fight over a blanket. We got to sit in the heart center and talk about WWJD (what would Jesus do?). I was so thankful for an explosion. LOL, you can't win with me!
So just now, I pull out my Beth Moore workbook (which I have not completed)and I am reading a paragraph about ministering. Here is what Beth says:
Our motivations for reaching out and serving others aren't always pure. My dear friend Kathy Torccoli, who ministers full-time, asked a critical question. "Am I ministering out of my need or out of the overflow of my own relationship with God?" We would be wise to ask ourselves the same question. Do we crave the affirmation of those we serve, and do they help us feel important? Or do we serve because Jesus has so filled our hearts that we must find a place to pour the overflow? A ministry to the truly oppressed helps purify our serving motives. You see, they don't have much to give back. The satisfied soul is never a more beautiful display of God's splendor than when willing to empty self for the lives of others."
I have that need. I pat myself on the back ALL THE TIME (breaking my arm is actually the catch phrase). I want to "fix" people so they can then turn to me and say "thank you". And...pat me on the back. I have a need. They need to affirm who I am. But God says, NO. I affirm who you are. You are strong through ME. You can do all things through Me. You don't need to please anyone but Me. You are doing this for the wrong reasons.
We were born to crave but what we crave is actually the question here. I crave recognition.
I don't need to "fix" them. I need to love them. Love them. Love them. I need to encourage them. Encourage them. Encourage them. And I need to pray, pray, pray for them. Those are the things that I can do. The Holy Spirit will do the rest. I have to accept that it's not about me and my agenda. It's not about me and my ways. It's all about Him.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
I told someone last week that I want to be God, or maybe I just want to play God so I can "fix" everyone. Except I would force it on them. I would just do it for them, you know solve their problems. There would be no learning process. And there would be no gentleness. And their certainly wouldn't be any willingness.
I have so much to learn about Love. I think that I am being that mature Christian and then I realize, I have so far to go. But I am not discouraged by that statement. I am all about learning. I know my true ministry is right here in these walls with my own family. But if you want to pray for me, I would love that. Pray that I can recognize the strong-hold that satan has. He is using what is intended to be positive and God-honoring yet I see how damaging it can be. Pray that I have wisdom this summer with my own children. Pray that we can manage our money well without my paycheck for three months. Pray that I can continue to submit to God's authority through obedience. OK, lets start with that.
Thank you, Friend.