Saturday, May 14, 2011

Almost Breaking Free

As the Breaking Free Bible study is wrapping up, I am thinking about what I've learned over the last several months. I looked through posts and mostly what I wrote was a summary of Beth Moore's words. Then I came upon a post that I wrote on April 8th. As I read over it, one specific word stuck out...DISAPPOINTMENT. I suffer from this "unbelief" disease. People don't act the way I want them to. People don't respond the way I want them to. I let people down. Then disappointment sets in. I put an awful lot of pressure on myself when I am trying to do God's job. I think I can be Jesus. I think I HAVE to be Jesus. Instead I need to let Jesus be Jesus and I am to just be His grace.

Anyway, I wanted to share this story again with you. My walk with Jesus is a constant one. Many days I take baby steps. Many days I don't take any steps. He just carries me. Do you know my God? Oh I hope you do!

Conversation with God
April 8, 2011

I confess: I was angry. I was complaining. I had hate in my heart. I cried. I wanted someone to feel bad for me. To feel bad for my girl. I was so hurt. Won't anyone love my child? Who will love my child?

That's when JJ Heller's song came to mind, Love Me. "Who will love me for me. Not for what I have done or what I will become?"

Yes, God, you will.

I email Jeannette. I text Denise and my Pastor. Then I email them also. Why am I not praying. Why am I going elsewhere?

Lord, what can I do? I am so frustrated. Who will help my child? Who will help me?

My help comes from the Lord.

I google those words and find Psalm 121. I think there is a song too, but I can't think. I have to take Amanda to dance class. As we get in the car, I said "Panara cookie or Frosty?" She finally decided on a Frosty. As we drove to dance, I had her read Psalm 121. I asked her if she knew what song that was. She started singing it immediately. "Praise You in the Storm" by Casting Crowns.

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I've been thinking about something a lot lately. I don't know if I can take credit for this or if I heard it somewhere, but Amanda is a "crack dweller". OK, listen while I explain.

Amanda is that person who falls between the cracks and goes unnoticed. As I explain this to her on the drive to dance, I said "I too am a cracker dweller. And your aunt." Invisible. But we do not go unnoticed by God. He has never taken His eyes off of us.

I continue, "God is the only one who will not ignore you. He will not belittle you. He will not DISAPPOINT you."

It's about a ten minute drive, but we got to read the bible together. We sang a song together. We talked about how much I love her. How I am frustrated with the situation but not her. And we talked about God's love.

Then I went to bible study. I sat and spoke to two of my sisters. They are both so knowledgeable in an area that I am not. They understand 504 plans. I was given websites and encouraged to obtain an advocate for Amanda. I was immediately encouraged. It was brought to my attention that the math teachers homework policy does not apply to a child with a 504 plan. Oh, I have research to do.

Father God,
You are amazing. You know exactly what I need and who to deliver that information through. You have strategically placed the most amazing people in my life.
I confess that I struggled for several hours yesterday with emotions that were not of You, Lord. I had anger, frustration, doubt, and disappointment.
I thank You Lord for taking those from me. Keep providing a way out Lord. Show me how to resist the temptation to complain. Thank you for this storm. How many people are praying for me and my girl?
I ask that you give me the eyes to see and the ears to hear. Please give me the brain to understand what I am reading on the L.I.F.E website.
In Jesus name. AMEN.

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Nothing has changed with Amanda's 504 plan. But something has changed in me. I know that God will work out all of the details for the remainder of the year. I need to find the message in the mess and most importantly I need to just give Him the glory.

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