Friday, April 8, 2011

Conversation with God

I confess: I was angry. I was complaining. I had hate in my heart. I cried. I wanted someone to feel bad for me. To feel bad for my girl. I was so hurt. Won't anyone love my child? Who will love my child?

That's when JJ Heller's song came to mind, Love Me. "Who will love me for me. Not for what I have done or what I will become?"

Yes, God, you will.

I email Jeannette. I text Denise and my Pastor. Then I email them also. Why am I not praying. Why am I going elsewhere?

Lord, what can I do? I am so frustrated. Who will help my child? Who will help me?

My help comes from the Lord.

I google those words and find Psalm 121. I think there is a song too, but I can't think. I have to take Amanda to dance class. As we get in the car, I said "Panara cookie or Frosty?" She finally decided on a Frosty. As we drove to dance, I had her read Psalm 121. I asked her if she knew what song that was. She started singing it immediately. "Praise You in the Storm" by Casting Crowns.

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I've been thinking about something a lot lately. I don't know it I can take credit for this or if I heard it somewhere, but Amanda is a "crack dweller". Now you can get your mind right out of the gutter and listen while I explain.

She is that person who falls between the cracks and goes unnoticed. As I explain this to her on the drive to dance, I said "I too am a cracker dweller. And your aunt." But we do not go unnoticed by God. He has never taken His eyes off of us.

I continue, "God is the only one who will not ignore you. He will not belittle you. He will not disappoint you."

It's about a ten minute drive, but we got to read the bible together. We sang a song together. We talked about how much I love her. How I am frustrated with the situation but not her. And we talked about God's love.

Then I went to bible study. I sat and spoke to two of my sisters. They are both so knowledgeable in an area that I am not. They understand 504 plans. I was given websites and encouraged to obtain an advocate for Amanda. I was immediately encouraged. It was brought to my attention that the math teachers homework policy does not apply to a child with a 504 plan. Oh, I have research to do.

Father God,
You are amazing. You know exactly what I need and who to deliver that information through. You have strategically placed the most amazing people in my life.
I confess that I struggled for several hours yesterday with emotions that were not of You, Lord. I had anger, frustration, doubt, and disappointment.
I thank You Lord for taking those from me. Keep providing a way out Lord. Show me how to resist the temptation to complain. Thank you for this storm. How many people are praying for me and my girl?
I ask that you give me the eyes to see and the ears to hear. Please give me the brain to understand what I am reading on the L.I.F.E website.
In Jesus name. AMEN.

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.


  1. EXCELLENT advice, both about the 504 and the advocate. I've been blessed with never having to fight for things (really good school district if you have SN kids), but I know a few parents who have had to go the advocate route and have found success with it.

    And WTG with special time in the car with her! I love how you encourage her--not deny the problem, but not blame her either.

  2. I share some of those sentiments about E. He has no friends and it hurts. Nothing in a parenting class can ever prepare you for that. :( Praying for you both. ♥