Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I hate guilt!

This morning I woke with the remembering of a dream about Dad. He had already died. It was his funeral (I think). I was talking to an aunt that I had only met one other time. She was helping me with scheduling my classes. I was not registered and stared in two days. Dad took care of all of that.

Strange.

Then my little man comes down with a raging fever, for the third day in a row. He cried for me to call the doctor. Pitiful. I medicated him. Text my boss. Then I call my father-in-law. He is able to spend a few hours with my baby.

I decided to make Lipton soup, Ramen noodle soup and jell-o (give me a break, it's almost 7 am.) I write up a brief list of instructions and place the emergency numbers sheet on the counter. As I glance over the numbers I get to "Mom Mom and Pop Pop". Oh. I cry. (And I cry again as I type this). Corrections need to be made because some of the numbers need to be updated. Then I'll have to just put "Mom Mom". (Why do the little things hurt so much?)

Moving right along...work was good. It is such a distraction from my life. I love it. I just love it. But am I being selfish and putting it first before my sick child? Someone said to me, "I always felt like it was just a job and my kids came first." (Thanks for the guilt. I needed more. I did.)

I left at noon and took Daniel to the pediatricians. He saw the swab and thought it was a shot. When I said it wasn't, he said "oh good". Then she swabbed his throat. He freaked. When the nurse left the room he said "why would anyone do that? That's how you make someone throw-up". He is so funny. Daniel just has the same virus that is going around...cough and fever.

I called my father-in-law to see if he could spend the next two days with Daniel and he was quite hesitant. He said he had to check his calendar. He wanted to know if he had to stay all day. When I got off the phone, I called Mom and she said "Just bring him over".

Praise the Lord for Mommies.

So as I drive home from "home" I silently cry.

I am filled with so many emotions. The feeling of "You can't win to lose" or "You're darned if you do and you're darned if you don't". Know what I mean? If you call out because your kid is sick, you are in trouble with the bosses and you let your co-workers down. If you bring your kid to work sick, then you are infecting the other children as well as the staff. Not to mention the guilt of not putting your child first. (Sigh)

I should be snuggling with my boy but instead he is snuggling with Mom Mom. She doesn't need to be sick but she does need the snuggling. And he is so good at it. So I trust that I made the right decision even though my heart hurts and my eyes leak.

Not to mention that my head and throat hurt too, and I have chills. I've been fighting something for 3 days now, sleeping with The Q each night.

Oh, premenstrual, grieving and sick. Thanks God. I needed it all right now! So I leave you with The Word because it always calms my spirit and it is approaching my bed time soon, which would be 7:15 pm.

Psalm 71:20-21
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

3 comments:

  1. With those symptoms, it sounds more like YOU need to stay home with mom mom! Hope you & the little guy both feel better soon. ♥

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  2. I cannot bring soup, or a hug....BUT prayers i can offer and give your from Tennessee!!!! And that is just what I'm doing!!!

    Love,
    Laura

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  3. Sorry I'm late to the party and hope he is feeling better by now....and guilt is definitely part of a mother's job. No matter what you do, even if you are a SAHM, you will feel guilty for something. (If you didn't feel guilty, I would probably question you!) But a few hours over MomMom's house are NO BIG DEAL.

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